"..Tired of being what YOU want me to be...I want to be more like ME and LESS like YOU.."
Linkin Park

"Dont quit now. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion"

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Original Instagram post for "Parental Control?"

Parental Control?

As parents, we always try to do our best to protect and provide for our little one(s). 
One thing that's painful to see, is your child suffer the same we did. Especially when it's something that's affected us deeply throughout our lives.

My parents had me at a very young age & I went through a lot in my childhood that they weren't a part of. That hurts. My dad going in and out my life hurt me in many ways. 
So when people try to come in my daughters life, I get cautious of the kind of person they are. Cause I don't want anyone to affect her negatively or hurt her. She's my all. 
But I also had to come to realize that I'm also hurting her when I do that as well. Instead of letting her see it for herself and let her have the judgment call for herself as a person, I'm controlling the situation and her as an individual as well. 
And besides it's not possible to protect her from all pain. Not going to lie though, if that was an option, I'd consider it. But again that would do damage too, as great as it sounds to us as parents to see our kids grow happy, healthy, joyful and successful and smart.
What's wrong with that picture though? We aren't letting them go through what's necessary for them to become all those things on their own. How can one grow character and good judgment without pain and trials that are set before us already to sharpen us?
"Iron sharpens iron"

How can one grow and shape up nice without the fire and pain used to do it? 
Let them be who they are. Don't control them. I know in our hearts we mean the very best. Don't take it overboard and control their lives and feelings though. You do that, though you may mean good in your heart, your actions are doing more damage to them than you know.

Cause ultimately, the greatest blessing I'd want from her life, is to see her grow into a wise, beautiful, successful, rooted and grounded, faith filled, confident woman. 
For her to be the best her she can be. No matter her personality that she decided to have, and all that. I just want her to know she can be her best self even after all of life's hardships.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Flow of Thoughts: From Pain To Peace

So in this crucial moment in my life where I'm making a transition from old to new, I'm not going to lie I got questions, concerns, and more...

Seriously, I've been through so much Hell in my life already that Hell itself doesn't scare me anymore. I've been through so much torment and have taken so much damage..

Then there's everything I've gathered from it and all the wisdom and strength I've gained, and how I've aged far beyond 23 mentally. 
There's still things I question though..

One of them I'll mention is being numb.
Not physical numb, that's one thing. It's a whole 'nother ball game when it's mental and emotional. 
Naturally, I'm open hearted, friendly, caring, loving and I like showing it to everyone. When I'm with someone, I like to give 120% and I'm not going to lie I'm real affectionate. Very. I love expressing my love & care. 
I've been through so much pain, especially with men, that I became numb. But I know it's not me. But what do I do though.. When in the back of my mind, I'm used to things going wrong? Or maybe unequal? 
I want to be able to open up like that again, but every time I consider it, I remember the pain I went through 8 months ago... And all the times before that too.. 
So yea there's risks involved. 
Do I want someone to love? I think we all do. Yea..
Am I skeptical? Yea.
I'm positive but careful.
I don't want to be numb anymore though. 
The things and people that influence me to be numb or bring it out of me more than others, I'll have to let them go. 
Does it hurt to let go? Oh yea.. I've lost so many people in my life already so yea it's like pouring salt on an open wound. But I want that wound to close. So I gotta throw away the bad. I gotta let go.

When I was in Miami I won't lie I was messed up.. Completely broken.
I've made so many improvements since then. And regardless of the amount of pain and worry, I'm not willing to fall back on improving. Yea it's painful, and I'm letting go of all I've ever known, all those painful memories and experiences. But I want better, and I want to be the best me I can be. Besides, I've been through too much pain already in life, that I have confidence I'll make it through..
I'm willing to make whatever strides possible to be better than all that I used to be. 

Just sharing my thoughts..
God bless.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Essence

I was just talking about this with a good friend of mine, though I've heard it from many others too.
It's usually others who bring it up to me. 

I'm 23 years old, I was born 1989. My mentality on the other hand is A lot older than my physical age.
When you go through A lot more than people older than you would normally go through, your mentality after is a whole different ball game now. People tend to underestimate me because of my age. I don't mind though. It's expected.
People judge, assume and underestimate you in life anyways.

I should've recorded the conversation like I used to do. Cause there were a lot of things said that showed the value of what I'm trying to say here. 
The average 23 year olds that I see and observe, all usually have some things in common. Most of those things are pretty shallow. Not saying it in a way to judge, just an observation. Nothing wrong with having money, just don't live for it. They tend to live for the "image" of it all instead of the Essence of it all. 

The Essence of a person. 

Everyone can see the materialistic "image" of things. What about the Essence of a person? That's what's always mattered to me

It matters not what you drive, not what you have in your bank account, not what you're wearing, not how many guys/girls you got, not the image you put up..

Why do people wrap themselves up so much in these things? 
What lack or insecurity do they have that they feel like these things make up for it?

What matters more, is who you are, your personality, the way you carry yourself, what you truly enjoy, your beliefs, mindset, what you've learned so far and what you're about to learn and experience. Your spirituality and wherever you stand within it. Your purpose and helping others learn what you've learned so far as well. Sharing moments and experiences with people is far more deeper and meaningful and fulfilling than chasing material things all the time.

Take the time out to actually enjoy the people you have around you. Their company, the laughter, the stories, the moments, the interaction... That's what means a lot at the end of the day.
You bringing a part of you to the table, them doing the same, and sharing that moment..

And this is a personal thought.. I've made a lot of money, met a lot of people, and when I say that material things always come back, they do. Not people. Even when I made a whole lot of money, I've lost a couple of very meaningful people in my life. It hurts far more than losing what I bought. I'll tell you that. 

Just appreciate the people around you. Try not to do people wrong and stay positive.
Losing someone is far more painful that losing something. 

Things come and go, so do people.
If you ask me, spending time with people or a person brings more meaning than spending time with my benz... I'm just being real.

And don't live afraid to feel or love again. I've been through so much hurt and pain in this area if my life too. I've been through a lot with men. And for a while I was scared to feel again. I stayed celibate for a while and stopped dating. 
But it's ok to feel. It's part of life, and there's lessons in it as well. So for those who've been hurt and stay alone now, it's ok to feel again. It's ok to fall for someone. It's ok to get hurt. Don't fear it. Just learn from it and keep going. You'll run through many trials an demos before getting the real thing. 

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Tested, Tried, Triumph.

Even at a new point in your life, even after a turn around, challenges still don't come to a hault. They don't stop. Though they may be challenging, it's something to always appreciate because you'll always learn something from them, gain wisdom and even personal strength. 

So even at this new, joyful point in my life, my health conditions are a challenge. Plus I work long hours at my job, and it can get very demanding. I like what I do though, I just need to rest and relax more.

Just recently, this week, I had a few panic/anxiety attacks and man when I tell you they are tormenting. I used to also get them when I was little. So Ill be taking time off from work for a few days to relax and restore myself. 

I don't wanna go through any more of those. They're horrifying. So Ill be doing some R&R and finding a beautiful spa here in NY and really treat myself. I'm gonna also spend time with my daughter and enjoy her. 
The last attack I had was last night. So I'll be resting and taking it easy today. My body is recuperating from this whole week. 
I won't let that slow me down though. I've been through so much worse and I'm still standing, still smiling, still moving forward. That's why I always say, keep a positive mentality, keep joy in your heart and keep your mindset strong, and have faith and believe,  above all. I still have faith, I still believe. I'm still excited about my future and the strength that God keeps adding to me in my life.
I know this like a veteran already, ill always be tested and tried in life. Ill be pushed to the edge, ill get angry, sad, aggravated, but no matter what, I know I have to look beyond it all, and know that I can surpass this. I feel like any challenge that comes my way in my life, is because I'm capable of conquering it. I know I can keep moving. I won't let it control me anymore. The Spirit in me is greater than any physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and other circumstances in my life. I know I won't go through anything that I can't bear. 

I just wanna say this too.. 
I'm grateful that my suicide attempts didn't go through. I'm grateful that I have a purpose here. I'm humbled by how much that even inspires others. If my life is a canvas for others, I'm perfectly ok with that. Cause I want people to know they can make it out of every darkness they face. No matter what it is. Doesn't matter if you're depressed, cut yourself, have addictions, mental/psychological issues, suicidal, homeless, hopeless, abused, raped, and much more.. I've been through all of these and more, and out of my heart I want you to know, don't let it stop you. Don't let it control you. Don't give up. Don't go by what you feel at the time. Your feelings are a roller coaster. Pay attention to them but don't live by them. You can make it out of everything you face. Everything. 
Everything and anything.
You were made for this.
That's why you're here.
You get back up, dust off, recoup and keep moving forward, keep believing. 
There's no issue worth taking yourself out for, or dragging yourself down over. 

Have this Attitude like "that's all you have? Ha!" You are well capable. Just believe. Have faith.
Much love

Friday, August 16, 2013

Transforming- Why I Left Miami, Why I Left My Past

Some have been asking why I left Miami. So here it is..

Well for one, it was just meant. Nothing happens for no reason.

Honestly though, I knew I was going to leave, a year before I left. I didnt plan it at all though.
Miami, and all that was in it, people, experiences, my past, was all considered my comfort zone. It was all I knew. Though Ive always wanted to leave and travel, see the world beyond the streets of Miami, I was scared. I was scared to leave my past behind, the holds that it had on me was all I knew. Almost all I ever talked about was the past, I kept reliving it so much, and it kept getting worse. I couldnt heal from anything cause Id repeat the same experiences with new faces in my life. I was living insanity.
Though my intents were good, and I always knew I have a good heart, I struggled on how to show it most of the time. Not only was I misled, misguided, I also repeated the offenses to others. Again, it was all I knew.
But I also knew its not how I truly wanted to live. So I lived frustrated, going back and forth, a constant battle of whats right and whats wrong.. if Im doing it the right or wrong way.. and would I ever escape, conquer my past, or would it just consume me as another number?

Though there were times when I wanted to give up, I wanted to commit suicide, I wanted to end the pain so bad, Ive had plenty of times Ive felt hopeless and accepted the bad that would happen as normal.
Ive felt so helpless, that I pushed help away, though I knew I needed it.
I had finally reached the end of my rope a few months ago. I was going through so much pain, it affected me mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I dropped so much weight.
Though I felt like thats all I ever carried all my life.
Thats it. I was chained up, bound.. all I saw was a dead end in my life at that time.

Instead of committing suicide..
I remembered I was home alone,  last year, when I tried to kill myself for the last time..
I tried ... While I had the knife to the middle of my chest..
I started having flashing visions of my daughter, she was looking at me..
Kept almost hearing a voice telling me, reminding me of my purpose, reminding me I even had one..
As badly as I wanted to end it all... I dropped the knife and yelled out "Fine! I give up trying to kill myself! Just show me what you want from me! Just show me please.."

He started to tell me a few months later.. but I didnt understand.
Little did I know, He was telling me everything that's happening RIGHT NOW..
Literally right now.
A year later. I reached the end of my rope....
This time, He said, are you ready?
I sighed... and I finally said "Ok. Ill do it your way..ok"
I wanted to see what He wanted from me my whole life, why I went through so much torment, hopelessness and pain.

He started answering my questions as I went on..
Leaving Miami started to arise.. there was an opportunity.
At first I wasnt exactly for it.. But as time drew near, He was showing me that its whats supposed to be.
So the last 3 weeks, I started preparing..
More of my questions got answered, and it started to make sense..

Did it hurt saying bye to a few people that are close to me? Of course.
But theres a purpose for everything.
I Left...

Ive been on this self discovering journey since.
More questions are being answered and Hes still directing my steps.. and the challenges that come with every stage, I go through it, and I come out learning more and feeling more prepared for what the future holds. Along the journey, Ive gotten to see alot, travel alot, still traveling now, still healing and being strengthened.
Things that I thought I wasnt capable of, Im doing now. I know theres even more that Im preparing for more.
I wake up everyday now, Determined to live in joy, peace, positivity, despite my emotions and feelings.
I had started learning that emotions and feelings will get you in situations that arent supposed to be, a sense of no control.
Learned Self Control.
Instead of surrounding myself with people from the past, I surround myself with positive people who help my future.
He taught me, and told me since a year ago "Let go of the wrong people, so I can put the right people infront of you"
With every day, week, and month that passes, not only am I strengthened, more filled with hope, surrounded with the right influences, Im more firm in seeing my purpose come to pass. Im being restored and renewed completely.
As Im learning, Im enjoying the journey along the way.

I Left ALL I knew, all that I was, for the new, the better, the brighter..
Hes my coach. This is the real training.
He wont relent, Im resilient ..
Im willing. Im able. I believe

Monday, August 5, 2013

Finally traveling!

I've been traveling for 3 months so far and I just love it! I've always wanted to travel. I remember even talking about it for years, how I wanted to leave Florida and just see the world, go on an adventure. Plus, I'm already used to the "get up and go" Lifestyle, so it's not new to me in that sense. I'm pretty well adjusted to that. It's a whole new experience when it's out of Florida though! I love it!
There's inspiration everywhere I go. It's all new to me and I love the variety in culture, people, food, clothes, environment & learning new things. I was so surprised how different the cultures are, even from one state to the next. 
Oh, and the food? Amazing! 
I went to Louisiana and their meat pies, alligator and shrimp Jumbo is great!

This is the beginning. I'm in love with traveling to new places. Always wanted to do it and now I'm enjoying it. Everywhere I go, I work, have fun, and always learn something new. I consider it a blessing every step of the way. 

I wonder what's next. Right now I know I'm heading to Houston Texas tomorrow, for a month. So Houston, you're next!