Sunday, September 14, 2014
When I was younger, I drew many images when I felt something from a vision. And I would draw it exactly how I see it and feel. I couldn't take breaks, it's a vision happening infront of me that I'm drawing on paper.. I'd mess up the vision if I did. It wouldn't be exactly how I first saw it, in it's rawness. How it's meant to be seen.
So I'd be on one drawing for 2-7 hours straight. No water breaks, nothing. Even through hunger, I wanted to draw the vision so much more, that I was waiting for after, to be able to relax, to eat, talk, to be normal again.
They came in bursts. I still draw to this day.
And every image has a meaning. Future, spiritual, along those lines.
It made me pay attention more to everything that happens in my life, everyone around me, how I feel, how I think. Because every image one day always comes to life.
Yes.. I was in pain for years, and it threw off my focus in my gifts quite a bit.. But now they are being strengthened again.. This time I'm not letting it go no matter what
"No matter how far you are... No matter how long it takes Him... Through distance and time I'll be waiting. and if i have to walk 1 million miles, i'll wait 1 million days to see you smile, through distance and time I'll be waiting..
You are always on my mind... all I do is count the days.. where are you now?"
I love you baby girl. No distance no time can truly keep us apart. You will be in my arms very very soon again and Lord knows the amount of faith endurance and focus on strength and love it's taking on my part but for you I will give my very all to see you again..
I finally figured out my password so I just wanted to post and let you guys know that I will be posting and updating a lot of blogs so yeah get ready!!!! I'm excited and I've been trying to look for this for a year it's took me that long yeah I know.. But what matters is I'm back I got it and I'm excited so I have a lot to share with you guys a lot has happened in the amount of time that I haven't been writing so I have a lot to share
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
As parents, we always try to do our best to protect and provide for our little one(s).
One thing that's painful to see, is your child suffer the same we did. Especially when it's something that's affected us deeply throughout our lives.
My parents had me at a very young age & I went through a lot in my childhood that they weren't a part of. That hurts. My dad going in and out my life hurt me in many ways.
So when people try to come in my daughters life, I get cautious of the kind of person they are. Cause I don't want anyone to affect her negatively or hurt her. She's my all.
But I also had to come to realize that I'm also hurting her when I do that as well. Instead of letting her see it for herself and let her have the judgment call for herself as a person, I'm controlling the situation and her as an individual as well.
And besides it's not possible to protect her from all pain. Not going to lie though, if that was an option, I'd consider it. But again that would do damage too, as great as it sounds to us as parents to see our kids grow happy, healthy, joyful and successful and smart.
What's wrong with that picture though? We aren't letting them go through what's necessary for them to become all those things on their own. How can one grow character and good judgment without pain and trials that are set before us already to sharpen us?
"Iron sharpens iron"
How can one grow and shape up nice without the fire and pain used to do it?
Let them be who they are. Don't control them. I know in our hearts we mean the very best. Don't take it overboard and control their lives and feelings though. You do that, though you may mean good in your heart, your actions are doing more damage to them than you know.
Cause ultimately, the greatest blessing I'd want from her life, is to see her grow into a wise, beautiful, successful, rooted and grounded, faith filled, confident woman.
For her to be the best her she can be. No matter her personality that she decided to have, and all that. I just want her to know she can be her best self even after all of life's hardships.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
So in this crucial moment in my life where I'm making a transition from old to new, I'm not going to lie I got questions, concerns, and more...
Seriously, I've been through so much Hell in my life already that Hell itself doesn't scare me anymore. I've been through so much torment and have taken so much damage..
Then there's everything I've gathered from it and all the wisdom and strength I've gained, and how I've aged far beyond 23 mentally.
There's still things I question though..
One of them I'll mention is being numb.
Not physical numb, that's one thing. It's a whole 'nother ball game when it's mental and emotional.
Naturally, I'm open hearted, friendly, caring, loving and I like showing it to everyone. When I'm with someone, I like to give 120% and I'm not going to lie I'm real affectionate. Very. I love expressing my love & care.
I've been through so much pain, especially with men, that I became numb. But I know it's not me. But what do I do though.. When in the back of my mind, I'm used to things going wrong? Or maybe unequal?
I want to be able to open up like that again, but every time I consider it, I remember the pain I went through 8 months ago... And all the times before that too..
So yea there's risks involved.
Do I want someone to love? I think we all do. Yea..
Am I skeptical? Yea.
I'm positive but careful.
I don't want to be numb anymore though.
The things and people that influence me to be numb or bring it out of me more than others, I'll have to let them go.
Does it hurt to let go? Oh yea.. I've lost so many people in my life already so yea it's like pouring salt on an open wound. But I want that wound to close. So I gotta throw away the bad. I gotta let go.
When I was in Miami I won't lie I was messed up.. Completely broken.
I've made so many improvements since then. And regardless of the amount of pain and worry, I'm not willing to fall back on improving. Yea it's painful, and I'm letting go of all I've ever known, all those painful memories and experiences. But I want better, and I want to be the best me I can be. Besides, I've been through too much pain already in life, that I have confidence I'll make it through..
I'm willing to make whatever strides possible to be better than all that I used to be.
Just sharing my thoughts..
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
I was just talking about this with a good friend of mine, though I've heard it from many others too.
It's usually others who bring it up to me.
I'm 23 years old, I was born 1989. My mentality on the other hand is A lot older than my physical age.
When you go through A lot more than people older than you would normally go through, your mentality after is a whole different ball game now. People tend to underestimate me because of my age. I don't mind though. It's expected.
People judge, assume and underestimate you in life anyways.
I should've recorded the conversation like I used to do. Cause there were a lot of things said that showed the value of what I'm trying to say here.
The average 23 year olds that I see and observe, all usually have some things in common. Most of those things are pretty shallow. Not saying it in a way to judge, just an observation. Nothing wrong with having money, just don't live for it. They tend to live for the "image" of it all instead of the Essence of it all.
The Essence of a person.
Everyone can see the materialistic "image" of things. What about the Essence of a person? That's what's always mattered to me
It matters not what you drive, not what you have in your bank account, not what you're wearing, not how many guys/girls you got, not the image you put up..
Why do people wrap themselves up so much in these things?
What lack or insecurity do they have that they feel like these things make up for it?
What matters more, is who you are, your personality, the way you carry yourself, what you truly enjoy, your beliefs, mindset, what you've learned so far and what you're about to learn and experience. Your spirituality and wherever you stand within it. Your purpose and helping others learn what you've learned so far as well. Sharing moments and experiences with people is far more deeper and meaningful and fulfilling than chasing material things all the time.
Take the time out to actually enjoy the people you have around you. Their company, the laughter, the stories, the moments, the interaction... That's what means a lot at the end of the day.
You bringing a part of you to the table, them doing the same, and sharing that moment..
And this is a personal thought.. I've made a lot of money, met a lot of people, and when I say that material things always come back, they do. Not people. Even when I made a whole lot of money, I've lost a couple of very meaningful people in my life. It hurts far more than losing what I bought. I'll tell you that.
Just appreciate the people around you. Try not to do people wrong and stay positive.
Losing someone is far more painful that losing something.
Things come and go, so do people.
If you ask me, spending time with people or a person brings more meaning than spending time with my benz... I'm just being real.
And don't live afraid to feel or love again. I've been through so much hurt and pain in this area if my life too. I've been through a lot with men. And for a while I was scared to feel again. I stayed celibate for a while and stopped dating.
But it's ok to feel. It's part of life, and there's lessons in it as well. So for those who've been hurt and stay alone now, it's ok to feel again. It's ok to fall for someone. It's ok to get hurt. Don't fear it. Just learn from it and keep going. You'll run through many trials an demos before getting the real thing.